Burn It To The Ground

Originally written on December 2, 2009 at 2:40 AM.

On my way home from taking a dump at Penn State Lehigh Valley, I turned on the radio. 93.3 WMMR was on and the song they were playing was a Nickelback song. Surprisingly enough, I was happy. There are very few opportunities in the world to laugh at a musician's serious attempt at creating the most perfect harmony since ebony and ivory. "Lead singer" Chad Kroeger's way of leading into the chorus of his new song is without a doubt the most comical thing I've heard on the radio since that Pruane2Forever impersonator who does the traffic report for B104. After stretching the formula with forgettable verses about demons and whisky and fluffy hippos, he starts screaming as if someone just combed his hair, brushed his teeth, and gave him an education. "AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" From there, he bellows some string of verbal chaos that ends with the eponymous phrase: "We'll burn it to the ground."

My reason for starting this note with such an anecdote is because that song title (Burn It To The Ground) reminded me greatly of a certain television program my mother was watching today. I was happy that she stopped watching the Hallmark channel, but comparing TLC to the Hallmark channel is like comparing rheumatoid arthritis to Lou Gehrig's disease. Regardless, I couldn't believe my mother was watching Jon and Kate Plus 8. Or is it Kate Plus 8 Minus Jon And Cliche Adultery Ho #5? Or was it Jon Plus 5 Minus 2 Plus Kate Divided By The Square Root of Pi Times Purple? Quandaries like this would baffle even the likes of Nostradamus and Oprah. Let's just call it JK before my arteries cave in.

This show seemed harmless at first. A simple premise was taken. A family wanted children and their prayers were answered and then some. And then a little bit more. Viewers grew to love Jon and Kate Gosselin for being strong despite the constant hassle of raising eight children whilst juggling the media attention they gained through TLC. But then, rumors started fluttering around that there was unfaithfulness in the JKG marriage. Both Jon and Kate were allegedly having affairs. At first, they were shrugged off just like any tabloid story would be. "Jon and Kate Splitting Up?" was as likely as "Jersey Devil Impregnates Pamela Anderson." Or so we thought.

Somewhere in the Pine Barrens, a demon is tending to his silicone-coated children.

You know what happened. Those two nitwits separated. They let the media, the attention, the fame and fortune and all that bullshit get to their head and burnt the sacred holy sacrament of marriage to the ground and left their confused children to flail helplessly in the ashes.

The show was about family unity. The show was about sticking together even when the household was a war zone. Such a concept pleased the Christian nation a great deal. In fact, when Kate Gosselin wrote a book called Multiple Blessings , she had signings at Christian bookstores the whole nation over. That's how well-received the show was from religious folk. Even my mother has a copy of that book, which now sits on a bookshelf gathering dust.

Those two said that the divorce was for their children's sake. They said that they couldn't stand to see their own flesh and blood fighting vigorously in front of the cameras, so it would be ended with legal divorce. But hold on just a second there! Why the great googley moogley did these people choose to have their own television show in the first place? Money, a fervent desire for attention, and the possibility of world domination seem like the three likely candidates. I would try to think of other ones, but I think I'd probably just be naming different ways to say money.

I'm going to get to the bottom line now before I start to ramble on. I could very well write you a dissertation about why Jon and Kate Gosselin need to be exiled to an island that doesn't exist. But I won't. All this anger is making me weary and I have an 8:00 class in less than 6 hours. So let's end this, shall we?

The fact of the matter is that Jon and Kate are most likely the greediest human wastelands to ever besmirch the human race since Bernie Madoff. Both of them signed on to delve into the garbage dump of reality television, which led them to become attention-crazy, money-seeking, and eventually adulterous. I feel sorry for each and every family member who has to deal with the constant emotional battle of being related to those pretentious, unappealing egomaniacs. Especially the children. What would happen if the octet was put up for adoption? I'm sure some heavenly couple would take them in and slam the door into the faces of TLC's executives when they want to create a spin-off show. That might seem incredibly harsh to take away their children, but they probably deserve it for all the anguish they've triggered in their lives. Those kids will never be able to erase the label of being part of JK. Even when they're in college or at their job or in a nursing home, they'll always have an unfortunate listing on IMDB.

So shame on you, Jon and Kate. Leave me alone. I loathe you. I wish never to see your face. If I do, I will begin the practice of self-mortification like the albino from the Da Vinci Code. And then I will mortificate you, you unbelievable cretins. But not with whips. Oh, no. You'll be getting paper cuts with the tabloid magazines that bear your harrowing faces. You too, TLC. I despise you for making the concept of the happy American family into a weekly circus. Why don't you just show a quiet, dark screen for three days straight instead of bringing us your garbage? As Simon and Garfunkel once crooned, "No one dare disturb the sounds of silence." Jon and Kate did. TLC did.
Will you?

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